[10/29/2002 2:29:18 PM | Jason Hunter]
Halloween

I can't wait for Halloween. As a holiday, it ranks up there with Christmas and Valentines Day as far as the amount of candy you get. But, on the down side, it also ranks down there with Flag Day and Arbor Day for the time off work or school. That is definitely something that could be improved on. We need to get the day off to help celebrate it. Oh, and for all of you Ned Flanders out there who think that Halloween is evil and, along with Harry Potter, is responsible for the downfall of today's youth, take a chill pill. Halloween is probably the 3rd most religious holiday after Christmas and Easter. Granted, all of these holidays have gotten perverted along the way and are now just corporate holidays meant to sell us stuff, but they all have their religious roots.

Halloween started out as All Hallow's Eve. The night before All Saint's Day. How many of you out there knew that November 1st was All Saint's Day? And how many of you celebrate it? That's what I thought... only 3 of you. Well, back in the day, Halloween was set up so that people could go around dressed up as scary things to drive away all the evil spirits. They did this so that only the spirits of the saints would be left over for the next day. People were not glorifying witchcraft or celebrating the walking undead that want to eat your brains. They were trying to scare them away so that they could celebrate All Saint's Day in peace. No one wants to sit down to a nice turkey dinner with the spirits of the Saints only to have a ghoul jump out at them and try to swallow their soul. And so they dressed up and spooked people.

It was dark when they went out at night to scare the evil. This was back before flashlights or night vision "peeping tom" scopes. So they had to carry a light in something else. This is where Jack-o-lanterns come from. The first ones were actually hollowed-out beets. They didn't have faces on them or anything, they weren't that creative back then, or else they would have realized that they could have used regular lanterns to light their way just like every other night of the year. But this started a frenzy of vegetable carving. It started with beets and then quickly spread to rutabagas, potatoes and then finally, pumpkins. It was about this time that corporate Ireland got into the act of marketing a holiday. They said that if you were going to light your way, you had to do it with a pumpkin, which they would provide at a very reasonable cost. It has been getting better ever since. Now, corporations tell us what to dress up as, what candy to buy, and where to go trick-or-treating (rich neighborhoods).

Halloween has stayed the same for the most part. There are a few subtle changes, but if you look at the reasons behind the things we do, you'll find the same holiday practiced in the same way it was oh so many years ago. The costumes have changed a bit. There are still those that go around dressed as witches and ghouls, but there are also more modern costumes like Power Rangers and Spongebob Squarepants. These are still designed to scare away evil spirits. No one wants to sit down to a turkey dinner on All Saint's Day and have a Power Ranger jump out at them and try to steal their soul, do they? And what the hell is a Squarepants? I don't want one of those coming in my house for any reason, even if it was to present me with a sweepstakes check. We still carve Jack-o-lanterns, though some of us do it underwater. We still walk the streets at night begging for candy and playing mean pranks on people if they don't give us any. Sometimes we play pranks even if they do give us candy, just because it is fun. And by fun, I mean destructive. I don't think they went around asking for candy back then, but like I said, it has become a corporate thing nowadays.

And then the best thing of all about Halloween is something that has come around in the last decade or so. I feel sorry for those that had to celebrate Halloween without it. I am speaking of course, of the Simpson's Halloween Special. They do a new one every year, more morbid and funny than the last. You gotta love those guys. So, to celebrate Halloween this year, let me offer you a few pointers...
Only give out Chocolate. Nobody likes candy corn or Smarties. And nobody collects for UNICEF anymore, so keep your pennies to yourself.
Start trick-or-treating early to get the most candy. Hit the good houses over and over.
If the porch light is out, it means that they don't have any more candy. Play a big prank on them. They should have planned better.
Don't take candy from little kids. That's mean and they probably have a parent nearby. Take candy from teenagers. They are punks and probably stole all of their candy from little kids anyway. Plus they are unlikely to have any parents nearby.
Do not kick in pumpkins if you are wearing a flammable outfit.
Do not go to dentists' houses. They give out the worst treats despite the fact that they can afford to give out full-size candy bars.
Dress up in a very common costume, that way if there are witnesses to a prank, they cannot pick you out of a lineup very easily.

I can hardly wait. Only 2 more days and I can unleash myself on the trick-or-treating world. Oh crud, I just realized that I have to work that night. Noooooooooooo!

[10/28/2002 9:11:39 AM | Jason Hunter]
UPC 2

Underwater Pumpkin Carving... Continued.

I told you that I would send around an update on this. On Saturday, I competed in the Underwater Pumpkin Carving Contest held at the Bonneville Seabase. Just so you know, Bonneville is an ancient Native American word that means: In the middle of freaking nowhere. That pretty much describes most of Utah, but we're only concerned with the Seabase. It is actually pretty cool. It is a series of natural hot springs, which due to the proximity to the Great Salt Lake, have the approximate salinity of sea water. The people who own Seabase have improved the hot springs, lining them with rocks or cement, and importing tropical fish and other marine life so that the average Joe can go snorkeling or diving with tropical marine life in Bonneville. The only problem with the place is that it is pretty popular, and the other divers tend to crowd and muck up the water with all their fin-kicking. If you could be the only diver there, it would be really cool.

Before we could dive, we had to watch a safety video and sign a release form, sating that we understood the video and would adhere to the safety guidelines, and if we got eaten by a shark, it was our own fault. There were many unsettling things about this. First, they had me sign the waiver BEFORE I saw the video and knew about the rules and dangers there. I could have signed away all rights to my internal organs for all I knew. Then I saw the video. It gave a background of Seabase, gave some rules as to taking care of and having courtesy for the life there. And then they said that we shouldn't bother the fish or sharks, because Linda, the lady who runs the place, has given them permission to bite us if we become annoying. I'm sorry, but I don't want to go diving with ANYTHING that has permission to bite me, sharks or anything else. What is their criteria of being bothered? What if they are just in a bad mood and any little thing can set them off? What if Linda has some deal with these sharks, where they can just say I was annoying them and they can then bite me, and then Linda comes in and declares me beyond saving and sells my internal organs on eBay, and all of this was because I signed a waiver before I knew that the sharks had permission to bite me. Well, I considered all of this and still decided to go diving. After all, I spent $20 to enter this competition, and I wasn't going to let that go to waste.

I had brought a pumpkin with me to carve. I chose one about the size of a basketball. I didn't want it to be too big, (remember how they float?) and started gutting it. They let us clean out the seeds and stuff out on dry land. They didn't want all that stuff mucking up their water, and I don't blame them. Then we had time to go down and carve them. I started into the water and saw the resident puffer fish staring at me. After my dive to Mexico, I have discovered that puffer fish and I are friends, so I took this as a good luck charm. I went to the bottom and started carving. I didn't want this to be your average jack-o-lantern. I wanted to be creative. I wanted to win something. I carved a silhouette of a diver against a background of the diver flag. I thought I did pretty well. It was a little difficult carving with a dive knife, but you could at least tell what it was. I didn't run into any sharks or other unfriendly creatures and so I headed back up to the surface and placed my pumpkin on the judging area.

As far as I could judge, and I am a certified carved pumpkin judge in 38 states, mine was the 2nd best there. Some girl had done a really good job on hers. She had done a shark swimming through weeds. The shark looked very annoyed, and therefore scary. 1st prize was a really cool dive knife that has a split handle like a butterfly knife. When you spread the handle, part of the knife opens up like scissors. I wanted that knife. No shark in the world would bite me if I had that knife, no matter how annoyed it was. Second prize was an underwater camera. I knew that the girl who carved the shark was going to take 1st place, hands down, and I was content to take 2nd. Well, the pumpkin gods had it in for me that day. Instead of competing against everybody for 2nd place. They split us into categories: Premarked pumpkins (against the rules, but people still did it), traditional jack-o-lanterns with smiley faces and such, and then diving-related pumpkins. This was a problem, because she and I were in the same category, competing for the dive knife. The camera was going to the winner of the traditional category. I didn't think that there was any way that I could beat out the shark lady for the knife, and I was right. She won and she deserved it. But then the camera went to a guy who carved a decent traditional pumpkin, but was nowhere near (I thought) as creative or as well-done as mine. So as far as I am concerned, I got maneuvered out of an underwater camera. Oh well, those are the breaks. I had fun anyway and got to eat some hotdogs and BBQ chips.

So that's how it went. There was also an apple bobbing event where the apples were strung out over the water, and the contestants had to try to eat them while kicking up and lunging for them like a bunch of uncoordinated walruses. Though I bet walruses would have done better at it with their long tusks and all. I didn't participate, I had to get back home by the time they started that event. If anything, this even gave me a reason to go out and buy a dive knife. Now I look pretty hardcore with a knife strapped to my calf when I go diving. And I am now armed and prepared in case I ever run into anything disgruntled while I am diving. As far as I know, there aren't any other sharks in Utah that I could encounter. But better safe than sorry.

[10/24/2002 2:35:38 PM | Jason Hunter]
Art

I have a rainbow-colored slinky on my desk. It is sitting there, encompassing 4 balls of tin foil. People ask me what it is there for. I tell them it is art. Who can argue with that? Anything can be art. They ask me what it means. I ask them what it means to them. I doubt that it means the same thing to both of us. So which one is right? I am. I made it, it is my art. I decide what it means. To be honest, it doesn't mean anything. And it really isn't art. I bring a sandwich to work every day wrapped in tin foil, and I wad it into a ball when I am done. I just got bored and put the tin foil balls into the slinky. I didn't think anything of it until people started coming by and asking what it was. I hate it when people bother me to ask what something on my desk is. "That's my stapler", I say sometimes. Or "That is called a phone". Today I didn't want to explain the physical result of my boredom, so I told them it was art. Maybe if I leave it there long enough, it will become art. And then some museum can pay me to have it on display. I wouldn't complain about that. I would just get mad if they asked me what it meant.

[10/23/2002 8:45:08 AM | Jason Hunter]
Bullet-Proof

Doesn't that sound like the name of an action movie? Well, I just checked on it and it is the name of a movie done in 1920 starring Harry Carey. I don't think that it could have been much of an action movie back in 1920, but who knows? What I am talking about is actual invulnerability to bullets. I just participated in the "Great American Toilet Shootout" in hopes of providing research into the bullet-proofness of common household items. Plus I just wanted to see what happens when you shoot a toilet. I got my toilet from Louise, a friend at work who understands the importance of such research for the benefit of all human-kind. Plus she had an old toilet just sitting there in her shed that she wanted to get rid of. Louise and I have a symbiotic relationship in that she has stuff like toilets sitting in her shed waiting to be shot, and I have an ingrained desire to shoot at things like that. So I took the toilet out to the other side of Utah Lake to proceed with my research.

I set the toilet down about 25 yards away and got my gun ready. I was using a .38 special police revolver. I don't know what kind of action this revolver has had in the past, but it can't possibly compare to what it was about to be used for. I loaded it, took aim, cocked back the hammer, and POW! The toilet broke into two even pieces. I was unimpressed for the most part. I let off the remaining 5 rounds into it and it just kept breaking. It didn't shatter or explode into a cloud of dust and fire like it would have in an action movie like Bullet-Proof (if it were an actual movie about shooting things like toilets). The whole thing was fairly uneventful. And it turns out that toilets are not bullet-proof. I suppose that's ok since the primary function of toilets usually has nothing to do with bullets. But still. I have seen so many movies where bullets are flying and people are able to hide behind things to avoid being hit. Granted, toilets are not normally one of those items. I will list some of the items that I have seen to be bullet-proof, and some that I have seen and experienced to not be bulletproof. I think this information will be invaluable should anyone out there want to make a realistic action movie called Bullet-Proof someday.

Things that are bullet-proof:
Washing Machine
Stainless Steel Refrigerator
Batman's Suit
Wonder Woman's Bracelets
The A-Team
Cinder Blocks
Bullet-proof Glass (duh)
Any Bad Guy in the first 90% of a movie.

Things that are not bullet-proof:
Toilets
Digital Cameras
Golf Balls
Any character in a movie that shows us a picture of his family.
The glass windows in the movie Die Hard
Pumpkins
He-Man action figures

I have a much larger list of both categories, but this should get you started on your movie. I am always up for doing more research, so if you want to know about the bullet-proofness of an object, with or without pictures, just let me know.

Just as a side note: When I was up there shooting, some guy drove by and told me that they were going to close the place off due to the amount of trash left behind by people shooting things. I glanced around and there were buckets, boxes, TVs, bullet casings, shotgun shells, and a host of other things just lying around making a big mess. I could understand why they wanted to close it off. I think it is sad that some people are so thoughtless as to just leave trash around and ruin a great shooting area for the rest of us. So I am going to go up there as a personal service project and clean up a lot of that stuff. I have a truck and can haul a lot of it away. That may not stop them from closing it off, but at least I will have done my part. There is a lot to do for one person, but if everyone cleaned up after themselves to begin with, I wouldn't have to clean up anything by my own mess. So, to all of you people who do activities in the outdoors like camping, hiking, fishing, marshmallow roasting, or bullet-proof research, please clean up after yourselves so that there is still room for the rest of us to enjoy the same thing. Thanks.






[10/22/2002 12:05:53 PM | Jason Hunter]
Sucker

The other day, some kid came to the door and asked me if I would like to buy a subscription to the Daily Herald, a local newspaper. He was trying to earn money to go to basketball camp and this was his way of earning money. Normally I would feign deafness until the individual went away. For some reason, I just can't come right out and tell them no. I have to give them a reason to not want to sell something to me. Deafness works well. As does mentioning that I have a restraining order on me that I can't be within 500 feet of any door-to-door salesman after the last "incident". But this time, I took pity on the scrawny little kid in front of me. Maybe it was because he was trying to earn money for basketball camp (a very worthy cause). Maybe it was the fact that my girlfriend was watching me and I didn't want to look bad by turning a scrawny kid away. Either way, I told him that I would like a subscription. So I signed the slip saying that they could bill me later and sent him on his merry way.

Then today, I just got the bill for the paper. Honestly, I don't know why I got the subscription. I read the Daily Herald online every day. I come home after work to find the paper sitting there with the articles in it that I have already read, and posted comments to. The only thing I have used the paper for so far, was to clean the windows of my truck. By the way, if you want clean, streak-free windows, use newspaper. It is so much better than a paper towel or a cloth. Spray on the Windex and wipe it off with newspaper. Really. Anyway, it is looking like that kid got a free ride to basketball camp, and I am in good shape should I ever need to clean the outside of the Nu-Skin building. Why couldn't he just ask me for some money to help him go to camp, instead of making my buy something that I don't need? Answer: because I wouldn't have given it to him otherwise.

It goes deep into the human psyche. We all want something. We don't want to someone else to have something if we get nothing. If this kid had just come up to me and asked for money to go to basketball camp, it would have gotten me to thinking. "Hey", I would have thought, "I want to go to basketball camp. That sounds like fun. I bet there's a limited number that can apply. If I give this kid my money, he'll get to go to camp and I'll be stuck at home. But, if I get rid of him now, I can rush down to the recruiter and get signed up for camp before this kid can raise enough money." Then I would have acted like I couldn't hear him, and he would have gone. But instead, he offers me something. In a way, he is telling me that he's going to trade me something. If I give him money to go to camp, I can have something fun too... a newspaper subscription. I am a sucker and fall for it, and then when the transaction is done, he goes skipping off to camp, and I start looking for windows to wash. But when you add up the score, he actually comes out ahead. I started out with money, and I end up with newspaper. He started with nothing and ends up with money for basketball camp. He didn't even have the newspapers to begin with. I think he stole them.

So now I am stuck paying a bill for newspapers. Will I ever get suckered into a scheme like this in the future? Probably. But at least I'll see if I can get more out of it on my part. If I send another kid to camp, or help some inner-city youth stay away from drugs or pregnancy, then I want in on it too. I'm gonna set myself up as their "protector" as they go around and collect money. Then, they can pay me a small portion of that for the use of my protection. If they don't pay me, then I will no longer be able to "guarantee" their protection. So they'll want to pay me. I think I could do pretty well. And if the cops come around asking what I know of an extortion scheme, I'll just pretend I can't hear them.






[10/21/2002 10:32:55 AM | Jason Hunter]
Strictly Viking

My roommate showed me a cool site the other day. It is at vikingkittens.com and it is definitely worth checking out. Some guy has animated kittens dressed up as Vikings sailing across the sea, singing the "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin:

We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
The hammer of the gods,
Will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde singing and crying:
"Valhalla I am coming!"

It is kind of a long clip to look at, but it is pretty funny. It is not as clever as the Muppets version of pigs dressed as Viking Hordes to the tune of "In The Navy", but I give it a close 2nd.

Speaking of Vikings in the Navy, I went to a farewell dinner for Arlen Runolfsen, who is leaving for service in the Navy. If there is anyone out there who is fit for seafaring and plundering, it is a Viking descendant with a name like that. It is almost as fearful of a name as Erik "The Red" Estrada, Thag "The Timid Fieldmouse" Norseman, or Fjörd the Björkstryker. Names like that used to mean something. They used to get things done. Arlen's name will soon be among them as one who is not to be messed with. I don't have a name like that. I haven't done any deeds that could make a name for me. After this weekend I could go by Jason "Underwater Pumpkin Carver" Hunter. But that won't strike much fear in any land-dwelling vegetables. And if you can't intimidate land-dwelling vegetables, what can you do?

While at the dinner, I met Arlen's cousin, who is perhaps the most Viking-looking person I have ever met. I was struck with fear when I saw him. He was tall, broad, thick, with a fair complexion and light eyes, with long blonde hair worn over his shoulder in a braid. I would have run out screaming had I been a peasant in some village with sheep to plunder. But I was in a Mexican restaurant in Provo and only had gas in my truck that he could have siphoned out. Plus he was smiling. He had muscles that showed through his sweater. Most people have to take off their shirts to see their muscles, but not Vikings. You could have seen this guy's muscles had he been wearing leather armor or plate mail. He strode around Viking-style all night with a beer in his hand. I knew he would rather have had a tankard of meade, but what can you do?

Then he did a very surprising thing. He started handing out invitations to a party at his place. I was thinking that this was going to be a Viking party like in the days of yore, where great Norsemen would ride horses, drink meade, eat red meat roasted on a spit, and hold battles among themselves. Man, I wanted to go to a party like that. Then I looked at the invitation, and it was for a Pampered Chef party he was hosting. Pampered Chef? What happened to Fearless Viking? I can't picture Brak the Peasant-Hewer as a Pampered Chef. Maybe that is just a guise to get people in Provo to show up. Why try to convince people to come to your unconventional party when you can trick them. That's my motto. I still wish I could go to his Pampered Chef party. I bet I am right and it turns out to be a fear-fest of carnage as only a Viking can produce. I'd even bring my pumpkins and demonstrate my terrible powers. If I am wrong and it does turn out to be an actual Pampered Chef party, then we could at least make a pumpkin pie.

Oh, and as a side-note, I saw Strictly Ballroom this weekend. I had heard that it was pretty good. And so I borrowed it from a friend to finally watch. Well, I thought it sucked. It just had a bunch of people dancing ballroom and speaking in Australian accents. I think it would have been better had it been redone Viking-style. They could dance, but it would be a dance to the death. And they would have to drink meade in between dances to see who could still fight and dance while drunk. I have other ideas for movies that would make them better, but today's topic was Vikings, and that was the only movie I saw this weekend that would have been improved by adding Vikings.

[10/18/2002 7:05:06 AM | Jason Hunter]
I don't Wanna Grow Up

I'm a Toys R Us Kid! Actually, I'm a Toys R Us employee. I had my orientation last night with the 5 other people that they hired. I have to say that I feel pretty special. Out of the 500 or so applications that they had sitting there, I was one of the 6 people that they chose. They must have picked me because of my dashing good looks and charm. Because they never would have hired me if they knew what had happened at the last toy store that I worked. My plea bargain prohibits me from going into details about it, but we'll just say that they should have a warning on RollerBlade Barbie saying that the sparks from her blades can start a fire on Tickle Me Elmo when he is sufficiently soaked with lighter fluid.

Well, they didn't know about my last toy store experience, so they hired me. Jessica was the one that referred me to them. I mentioned to her the other day that I wanted a 2nd job. And Jessica said that they would love to have me there. I needed a 2nd job. My girlfriend is gone for the next 6 months and I am just sitting around all day doing nothing. I used to get home by 3 in the afternoon and had a few choices as to what I could do. I could take a nap, watch TV, go shoot at a toilet, or do something unproductive. Now I am going to be able to go to another job and make money to pay off my credit cards and put savings in the bank. I think that's a good use of my time. Last night was my orientation. We had to watch some stupid videos about store safety and how we shouldn't steal anything. The videos were really old and everybody looked like they were right out of Charles in Charge. I learned the proper way to lift boxes, clean up messes, and signal that there is a fire in the store. Apparently, you can't just yell "Fire". You have to get on the intercom and yell out a secret code that only employees know. That's how much Toys R Us loves their employees. They give us a special fire code so that we can be the first ones out of the building and let the customers fend for themselves after they figure out that something is wrong.

I also got to take a tour of the store and check out all the new toys. I knew I had come to work at the right place when I saw the line of He-Man and Transformers that they had stocked. I know what I am buying with my first paycheck...Nothing. Remember, I am putting the money in the bank. That's going to be hard. But I am set in my goal to be out of debt and have some savings. They had a bunch of stupid toys there, like Barbies that don't emit sparks, and Chicken Dance Elmo. I couldn't believe that they made that. It is an Elmo doll that is dressed in a chicken suit and does the chicken dance when you push his foot. I can't believe they didn't start with the Macarena Elmo, or after my last Elmo incident, the Stop, Drop, and Roll Elmo.

It would be the perfect place to work if it weren't for all the crummy, whiny kids that are always in there. They were everywhere last night, playing with toys, breaking toys, crying because their moms wouldn't buy them toys. I hate kids like that. My kids are going to be so much better. They're gonna be lucky if they get any toys at all. I'll let them play with newspapers and stuff, sure. But real toys will be a treat, and they won't get them if they whine. But that's another story. So come into Toys R Us sometime. They have a good store, and judging by the fact that they hired me so quickly, they have a really cool staff. Come in and buy stuff, and tell them that Jason sent you. Oh, and if you hear someone on the intercom say something completely incomprehensible, and all the employees start to sneak outside, take a hint and go with them. There is probably a fire and it was probably caused because someone found a way to start a fire with a Laser-action Transformer and a Chicken Dance Elmo. It wasn't me, I swear.

[10/17/2002 1:04:23 PM | Jason Hunter]
Saved by the what?

When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives off a warning, I don't think I'll ever make it on time. By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look, I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by. It's all right 'cause I'm saved by the bell.

When the teacher pops a test, I know I'm in a mess and my dog ate all my homework last night. Sittin low in my chair, if she don't know that I'm there, I can hand it in tomorrow, it'll be all right. It's all right cause I'm saved by the bell.

Why do I watch Saved By The Bell? I honestly can't stand that show. It is ridiculously absurd, but not quite absurdly ridiculous, which may be why I won't turn the channel when I happen upon it while channel surfing. The quality is poor. It looks like it was filmed with a camcorder by some 5-year-old. The acting is really sub-par. The props are completely unrealistic. Whenever they have a pep rally or some school-wide assembly, like graduation, there are only 15 people in the audience. Every one of the characters is so stereotypical that it puts the Simpsons to shame. The Simpsons at least portray these stereotypes in a satirical way, whereas Saved by the Bell acts as if that's how life really is. I spent my high school career thinking that I could never date a cheerleader because I wasn't on the football team. I really thought that. The characters were so shallow and one-sided. You knew that in any situation, Screech was going to make a goofy face and get slapped on the head for being stupid. It happened every time. The principal spent 25 years or so with these kids and still fell for the same antics. How did he ever get a job like principal? I think he followed them from grade school, to middle, and then high school. This show was so unreal in its portrayal of life in high school, and yet I fell for it. I assigned myself a niche in school based on my characteristics that I saw in people on Saved by the Bell. Why? And why do I continue to watch it?

Maybe it is because the girls on there were so hot. They really were. Kelly was really cute and has gone on to be in several other silly TV shows like 90210. Lisa was pretty in her own stupid clique-ish way, but hasn't gone on to do anything else. Jessie was even kind of cute. She thought she was too tall and lanky or something, which of course she wasn't or else she wouldn't have admitted to that school. (It was in the school by-laws that ugly people can't go there, which may account for the fact that there were only 15 people in the school). And Jessie went on to star in great films such as Showgirls where she proved her great acting skills by taking off her clothes, or so they tell me. They guys were good-looking too. I wouldn't mind looking like Zack or Slater. If I did, then I would be able to ask out that cheerleader who was out of my league before. Then there's Screech. I don't have any explanation for him. You would think that the son of Neil Diamond, who also has a brother who is a Beastie Boy, would be a little cooler. But he was such a spaz. He had no redeeming qualities. I was embarrassed for him when he was doing "his thing".

There are so few shows that I will stick around to watch if I am just surfing. The Simpsons, Jeopardy, The Shawshank Redemption (on TBS, usually), The Real World, and then Saved by the Bell. The first 3 are worth watching. The last 2, not so much. And I really have no excuse for watching the Bell. I hate it. I really do. I think I get stupider every time I watch it. No amount of Jeopardy can make up for what I lose during Bell, and yet I continue to watch. Save Me!

[10/16/2002 1:42:10 PM | Jason Hunter]
Customer Service Week

We just got done celebrating Customer Service Week, and I got to thinking about it. I have been involved in customer service all my life, either as a customer, or as the one helping other customers. In either role, I always had to remember the #1 rule of customer service: The customer is always right. Or at least that’s how it used to be when customers were reasonable and wanted things that could actually be given them. But people have gotten more demanding in the last few years. They have started to take advantage of the “customer is always right” slogan and become smug in their insistence that they are “right”.

I was waiting tables one time at a Mexican restaurant down in Texas. We had some people come in and order all sorts of stuff and then make all sorts of changes to it so that it no longer resembled what they had originally ordered. For instance, I had one guy come in and order a simple burrito. That would have been fine if what he really wanted was a burrito. But he wanted it with steak inside, deep fried, with a side of beans, chips and guacamole. After all of his modifications, he was actually ordering our chimi-changa plate, for which we charge more than just a plain burrito. He was furious when I suggested that his new dish would cost more than the listed price of a burrito. I tried explaining to him that he can’t go into a car dealership, order a Kia, and then make enough modifications on it to make it a Lexus and expect to pay the price of the original Kia. He didn’t get it. And of course, in the end, he was right. The customer always is.

[10/15/2002 1:11:28 PM | Jason Hunter]
Unlikely Superheroes

The origins of superheroes are usually very humble. Superman started out as some kid in a rural Midwest town, Spiderman was just some geeky kid in school, and Wonder Woman didn't look nearly as hot before she "matured" into the crime-fighting Amazon that she is now. Well, My roommate and I have found our inspiration, our callings, if you will, to become superheroes. It all started last night as we found ourselves the victims of some injustice. I will not use our real names here, so as to protect our new secret identities.

We were visiting a friend last night and came out to our car, only to find that it had been "booted". Some villain (The Booter) had come along and placed his heavy, car-disabling device on my roommate's car. What was once a powerful, tire-spinning, fine piece of American motor muscle, was now a large lump of immovable steel. The Booter had struck. My roommate noted that if his car were made of thick cast-iron, that we could probably attempt to drive away, destroying the boot in the process. But we had no such car. We also could not see how to remove the boot ourselves. We had no Sawzall, a device that literally saws through all in its path, or we could have removed it ourselves. The only antidote that we could see was a note on the windshield telling us not to try to drive the car, that the boot would ruin it if we tried. It also had a number that we could call to get the boot removed.

We called the number, hoping that the Booter himself would show up to remove his evil boot. But he sent one of his cronies instead. We tried interrogating him, trying to find out who this evil fiend was and where we could find him. But the Booter had set up his organization well, and this lowlife we were talking to knew nothing of import. We finally decided that the only way to get the boot off was to pay the ransom of $55 and let the crony be on his way. We gave him his money, which will no doubt go to pay for some diabolical scheme to take over the world, and he had the boot off in a few seconds and left before we could try to follow him back to his headquarters. As we drove home that night, we discussed the problem and decided that we would help fight this evil ourselves. We became The Boot Avengers!

We are going to buy a Sawzall, and then go around freeing people of this injustice. If we only ever did it on our car, the Booter would soon know which car to look for when placing a boot. But if EVERY car that he boots is mysteriously liberated, he won't know where to look. We could even just follow the Booter's cronies around in their trucks, liberating cars as soon as they are ensnared. We could even ask for donations to be able to replace blades on the Sawzall when it wears out. We will be among the people, fighting for the people and the cars they drive. We will avenge ourselves of this evil injustice and make the world a better place. You can never know who we are. You'll not know what we look like. But you'll know that we have been there when you go out to your car and see a boot sitting in pieces right next to your tire. When that happens to you, look out into the darkness and give a small salute. We'll be there saluting back. We are The Boot Avengers.

[10/14/2002 9:57:30 AM | Jason Hunter]
Weekend in Vegas

What is the best thing to do in Vegas? That depends. I do very few things when I am there. I eat at the buffets, waste money on the slots, play the craps table, taunt the people on the street handing out free porn, and just have fun. I rarely see a show there. I don't do any drinking. Never even seen a hooker there. And I haven't gone to the Little White Chapel to get married. I'm sure there are a lot of other things to do there as well, but none of them have attracted me yet.

Take this weekend. I got kidnapped by my friends and taken to Vegas for a night of fun. The first thing we did was head to the buffet. We picked the one at the Rio. Why we picked that one, I don't know. It was the farthest away of all the buffets and we were already hungry. We got there after a while and then stood in line for about an hour. All I could think was that it had better be worth it. Besides all the waiting, it was going to cost us $18. While we were standing in line, I saw someone walking to their table with crab legs. I asked the cashier where the crab legs were served and she pointed it out to me. All of a sudden, I didn't care that I had to walk across town, wait in line, or pay $18 for dinner. I was going to feast on crab. Once we got our table, I headed right over there and started piling up on crab legs and shrimp. These were no cheap fare. This was high quality stuff. I went back to the table and started into the ritual of breaking open the crab legs and eating the succulent morsels of meat inside. I was making a big ol' mess of things, but was enjoying myself thoroughly. I think I went through 4 lbs or more of the crab legs and about 1 lb of shrimp. They were losing money on me this night. I was staying away from the spaghetti and bread and cheap stuff like that. And I wasn't drinking water... I was drinking orange juice.

After my binge on crab, and after the Rio did an audit and found that they should have charged me $175 for dinner, we took off. We didn't even stick around to lose money gambling there. We then walked along the strip and checked things out. I splashed in the fountains, shouted "Don't Walk" at jaywalkers who held up traffic, tried climbing the Eiffel Tower, and taunted the guys handing out porn. Most of them were Mexican, so I would yell out "No queremos la porno, no la queremos". That didn't get a rise out of them, so I asked if they were pictures of their sisters. Thinking back on it, that could have gotten more than a rise out of them, it could have gotten me shot at or something. So then I tried handing them something that I had picked up. I think it was an advertisement to play Tic Tac Toe against a live chicken from one of the casinos. Every time they would try to hand me porn, I would try to hand them a shot at playing Chick Tac Toe (as I would have called it). It was amazing how much they didn't want to take anything from me. I would try to be as insistent at handing it out as they were, but they just wouldn't take it from me. Oh well.

Then I took my turn at the craps table. I had already wasted a few bucks at the slot machines. I should have just gone and tossed my quarters in a fountain or thrown them at some people on the street. If I threw quarters at people, I would at least have a chance of them throwing them back at me in anger, and I wouldn't be out any money. And by tossing them into a fountain, I at least run the chance, though small it may be, of getting a wish granted or something. Instead, I paid money to see a machine blink a lot of lights and make noises. If anything should be called craps, it is the slot machines. But I took some of my money over to the craps table and started playing there. I explained to those with me how it works. "Why did you put money on that line?" they would ask. "Because", I said, explaining the intricacies of craps, "it paid me money the last time I did that." By betting in this fashion, I lost all my money very quickly. But then I won $60 with a really nice streak. I pocketed all of my original money and then didn't care when I lost the extra I had won. I played for about 45 minutes and ended up even. Much better than at the slot machines.

So what is there to do in Vegas? A lot. I have fun every time I go there. Just remember that when gambling, the house always wins. If you gamble enough, you will always lose. It just happens a lot quicker on the slot machines. The only way I know of to beat the house every time is to play the buffet. That always ends up being the most expensive thing I sped money on in Vegas, and I always get the best returns. If I did it on a regular basis, you can bet (ha ha) that I would get blacklisted from all the casinos.

[10/11/2002 9:02:30 AM | Jason Hunter]
White-Collar Blues

I was thinking about this whole Longshoreman thing on the West Coast. There are a lot of good reasons to be part of a union, and unions have done a lot of good for the workers in this country, but I can't see why there is such a big issue here. I don't know all of the issues at hand here, and I don't care enough about the subject to do any kind of research on it.. But, I do know that one of the reasons that they are going on strike is that they are angry about being replaced by machines. I can understand that, to a point. But what is wrong with being replaced by machines? Why should anyone be doing a job that a machine can do? It is a waste of money to be paying a human to do a job that a machine can do. The average pay of a crane operator on the docks is over $100,000. If a machine can do the same job, then we are wasting money paying a human to do the same thing, and wasting money keeping that human insured against injury. Something that we would not have to do for a machine.

It may mean that some people lose their jobs. It may mean that a certain job is made obsolete. Great! That means that we have one less menial job for someone to have to do. That means that person can now go out and learn a new trade, perhaps maintaining that machine that replaced them. If we never let machines take over for humans, then we would still be planting and harvesting fields by hand. We would be doing dangerous and repetitive jobs that machines are much more suited to. The day should come where there are absolutely no Blue-Collar jobs. Everyone should be in some sort of job that requires use of the one thing that machines don't have... a brain, and thus creativity and thinking. Car assemble plants should have 3 or 4 people on the line, and they should all be engineers, watching over the machines that put the cars together. These engineers could step in and fix the machines should something go wrong, but they should not be the ones putting the cars together.

Production in the country would be up. Safety hazards would be down. Money would be saved on insurance and could be used and invested in other places. Yeah, some people would be out of jobs initially, but they should go learn a new trade and help produce in other areas. It may sound communistic or socialistic, and maybe it is to an extent. But it is also very capitalistic. We would make more products, make more money, and be a lot better off. It will happen eventually anyway, it has been happening ever since the industrial revolution began. I think it is stupid to fight this as a union. I think it is stupid to have hundreds of ships just sitting out in the harbor because no one will unload them. How does that help anyone, especially the economy as a whole. Stores are not going to get their holiday supplies of goods until well after Thanksgiving, the busiest day of the year. This is going to raise prices and make a lot of people mad. Good thing I decided not to do any Christmas shopping this year, huh? I am going to just make all of my presents this year out of duct tape... That is if the ship carrying the duct tape isn't still in port waiting to be unloaded.

[10/10/2002 11:35:31 AM | Jason Hunter]
Good Ideas

I am full of good ideas, and people are always telling me to write them down so that they are not lost forever if something should happen to me. They sometimes say that in a very ominous voice as if they KNOW that something will happen to me. I think they are right. Not about something happening to me, but about writing down my ideas. You will think so too once you hear some of my ideas. The world would be a sad place without Jason and his ideas.

Idea #1: This one is an invention. How many of you are now, or have ever been cold? That's right, all of you. How many of you wish you had an electric blanket when you were cold? How 'bout a down comforter? A cup of hot chocolate? A massage? Well, if I had any kind of talent in designing and putting together good ideas, my invention idea might already be a reality. I would introduce the world to the Electric Comforter with built-in Hot Chocolate dispenser and Massage capabilities. I would have to come up with a catchy name like The Electric Comforter 2000 with built-in HoChoMa technology. I could get Chef Tony to advertise it along with the Miracle Blade or something. Unfortunately, it would only be available in one color... black. And you would have to get out and crank it to get it started. Wait, no. That was Ford's Model T. But my invention will revolutionize the beverage-dispensing blanket world like Ford did to the automobile world. If you want in on the ground floor of this, just send me some money.

I can't think of any other ideas right now. If I come up with any, you'd better believe that I'm gonna write it down, lest they be forgotten. Because where would we be without Jason and his ideas? Don't respond.

[10/9/2002 11:13:04 AM | Jason Hunter]
UPC

I don't think that you would ever guess what those initials stood for unless you knew me very well. There are many possibilities, of course, but I am thinking of one thing in particular: Underwater Pumpkin Carving.

I signed up yesterday to be involved in the annual Pumpkin Carving Contest held up at Seabase in Salt Lake. There will be people, food, prizes, and of course, pumpkins. There are rules to this whole contest. The only knives allowed are actual dive knives. Whatever you carve from the pumpkin has to stay with you. You can't just have pumpkin parts floating all over the place making a mess and all. You can't stab anything with the knives that isn't technically a pumpkin. So, if "pumpkin" used to be what you called your ex before you broke up, you can't carve them up for having left you alone and naked in the middle of the desert with only the gila monsters to keep you company.

Yeah, some of these rules may be hard to follow, but you'll be disqualified if you break them. Or arrested... depending on which rule it is that you break. The ONLY knife you can use is a DIVE knife. You better not even try to bring a hunting knife or something. That'll get you arrested for sure. But these are not going to be the hardest rules to keep. There are other rules at work here... the rules of nature. I am not talking about the rule of nature that says "kill or be killed". That is in EUPC (Extreme Underwater Pumpkin Carving). I am talking about the rule of nature that says: "the sum of (areas of) the two small squares equals (the area of) the large one. In algebraic terms, a2+b2=c2 where c is the hypotenuse while a and b are the sides of the triangle." In layman's terms, this means that pumpkins float, really well. And we are supposed to carve them under water. That means that we will be fighting nature the whole time. We will want to be down, the pumpkin will want to be up, and we will be cutting into it with a dive knife while trying to keep it from going up, while keeping all of the pieces from floating away. This is the eternal struggle of Man, and I will attempt this struggle and see how I do. At best, I can come off conqueror. At worst, I could cut off my leg and then sever my air hose while struggling to fight the sharks that have been attracted to the blood in the water and I will either be eaten alive or drown, my hands still clutching the dive knife and pumpkin.

I'll let you know what the outcome is. All the fun takes place the Saturday before Halloween.

[10/8/2002 12:53:32 PM | Jason Hunter]
Trigger Happy

Words by Weird Al

Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right
Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's no feeling any greater
Than to shoot first and ask questions later

Well you can't take my guns away, I got a
Constitutional right
Yeah, I gotta be ready if the commies attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson
That out to teach 'em all a darn good lesson

Oh, I accidentally shot Daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again
Now why'd you have to get so mad?
It's just a lousy flesh wound, Dad

Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead

Come on and grab your ammo
What have you got to lose?
We'll all get liquored up
And shoot at anything that moves

Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight
Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight
I always keep a Magnum in my trunk
You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?
Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day

Ok, it may seem a little tasteless to write about this the day after my last blog, but I like guns and I like shooting things. I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel about snipers. Snipers are cool because they are the ultimate hunters. They are at one with their surroundings. They stalk their prey. They use a minimum of bullets for the maximum number of kills. They are efficient. Some snipers can shoot a quarter at almost 1000 yards. Incredible! I have no respect for people that can hit targets with machine guns. You should be able to hit a target with at least one of the hundreds of bullets you are spraying. The trick is to hit a target with only one shot.

While playing laser tag or paintball, I have always been proud of my high hit percentage. I don't care if I get as many kills. I want to have a hit percentage in the 90% range or higher. Accuracy is better than numbers, as far as I am concerned. I fantasize about being a sniper. I want to be the hero. I want to walk into a hostage situation and take out the bad guys while shooting around the hostages. I want to shoot the guns out of the hands of the bad guys. I want to be excellent with a gun where others are only sub-par. I want to be lethal and yet have complete control over it. That has got to be the "guy" part of me speaking. I should realize that is a bad thing to fantasize about. Because there would always be someone out there better than me. And they would inevitably get the better of me. Then I would be dead.

[10/7/2002 11:24:35 AM | Jason Hunter]
My Buddy

I shot my buddy in the head this weekend. It felt like I shot myself in the heart.

My little ferret, Sly, was my best little buddy. She and I met each other a little over a year ago. She had been a stray, captured at the police station and taken to the animal shelter. I paid her bail of $5, and took her home. She weighed about a pound and a half, was long and skinny, with dark hair and a darker mask over her eyes. Her little round ears stuck straight up and she would dart her head back and forth, looking at everything with her black eyes. She would say "tuk tuk" as she ran around exploring things. She loved to play tag with me. I would grab her and give her a gentle shake, turning her on her back and tickling her tummy. She's scramble to get away and then get so excited and wiggle so much that she would fall over. She would then run at me and latch on with her teeth, always so gentle, and then shake me a bit and then run away.

She stole a cookie one time, from right off the table. She ran up the stairs, jumped over to the table, grabbed a cookie, and then jumped back over to the stairs and tried to hide the cookie under the couch. She was always hiding under the couch, the sink, or anywhere that she could get to. And she could get anywhere. She loved to climb into bags. If there was a bag in the room, she was in it. She was always waiting for me to get home. I would walk into my room, and there she would be, hanging on the side of her cage, wanting to come play. She loved to play.

Then, the other day, she couldn't walk. She was skin and bones. She hadn't eaten in days and was so weak that she couldn't move much. The other ferret was fat and healthy. Sly didn't look sick or injured, but something was wrong. The vet wanted to spend hundreds of dollars of my money to find out what might be wrong. But I opted to try to feed her medicine and food through a syringe. The steroids were supposed to jump start her body into processing the food I would give her. The vet said to give it 2 days. I did so, but she didn't get better, and she refused to eat on the 3rd day. It was time to say goodbye to my buddy. I took her out to a spot in the woods and said goodbye. I gave her one last kiss and stroked her head telling her that I loved her and that I thought that this was the best thing that I could do for her. Then I laid her down, pointed the shotgun at her and pulled the trigger. She was gone. I buried her there beneath a big rock.

I keep wondering if I did the right thing. I keep feeling like I killed the Sly that I used to play with. I didn't. I put out of her misery, a Sly that could no longer play, walk, or even eat. She needed to go. I had to be the one to do it. If I was going to send her to meet her maker, I wasn't going to let some stranger do it. It reminded me of Curly in "Of Mice And Men". He let someone else go put his dog out of its misery, and he regretted it forever. Sly was my buddy. I loved her, and she was my responsibility. I sent her home.

I shot my buddy in the head, but it is my heart that hurts.

[10/4/2002 8:41:49 AM | Jason Hunter]
Guy or Gay?

Ok, I was talking to my sister and mentioned a meal that I was going to prepare for my girlfriend and her family, and her response was shocking. She said: "you're GAY". That got me to thinking. Here I was making dinner, a very un-guy thing to do, and I was making it for my girlfriend, a very un-gay thing to do. So what am I? Guy or Gay? I am heterosexual. No doubts about that. None. Really. So, I am going to stop using the word gay, and use the word un-guy. So, am I a heterosexual male that is more guy (testosterone-driven) or more un-guy (other-driven)? I'm gonna list a bunch of things that I do or like and then rate them as "guy" or "un-guy". I hope I come out more guy on this one.

Guy things that I do: Lift weights. Subscribe to car magazines. Work on cars. Look at cars a lot. Shoot things. Destroy random things just to see what it is like. Fish. Play computer games. Play basketball. Watch sports on TV. Watch action movies with lots of gratuitous blood, sex, and violence. Pretend that I could easily star in such movies. Go off-roading. Spin my tires when taking off or going around corners. Flex in front of the mirror. Keep my room messy. Dress in guayaberas. Want to make out with my girlfriend almost all the time. Play pranks on people. Own tools. Watch mechanics shows on TNN on Saturdays. Think that Anna Kournikova is hot. Scuba. Stapled a comforter over the window as a curtain. Play fantasy football. Left mistletoe hanging in living room for 2 years. Like camping or anything else in the outdoors. I like Brak.

Un-guy things that I do: Yoga. Cook. Buy cookbooks. Buy flowers once a week for my girlfriend. Call her the next day after a date, or just to say hi. Match my shoes with my socks, belt and/or jacket. Keep my kitchen spotless. Separate my lights from darks when doing laundry. Keep my bathroom clean. Put the toilet seat down. Worry about my weight. I am good at picking out jewelry and other accessories. Like shopping. Will go down the feminine aisle at the supermarket. Bake cakes and zucchini bread. Shop for kitchen appliances. Notice the details. Like Cats. Like going to plays, concerts, museums or other cultural events. Am not afraid of commitment.

Hmmm, this may have to be continued as I can think of more things that I do. So far it seems that I do some very strong "un-guy" things like cooking and yoga. But then there are things like spinning the tires on my truck that tend to counterbalance that. I am going to say that I am undecided. At best, I am a good mix of both. At worst, I am completely hopeless. This may have something to do with the fact that I can't make up my mind on what personality color I am too. (see other blog). Maybe I am some kind of genetically engineered super human with untapped abilities. Wow.

[10/3/2002 1:32:01 PM | Jason Hunter]
Thought for the Day

There was this kid in my school named Billy Shannon and at lunchtime he would pay you a dollar if you ate a worm or a cricket or something. And one time he had a big bug and he said "Hey, I'll give you a dollar if you eat this bug." And I said "No thanks! I don't eat bugs." And he said "How about this whole jar of mayonnaise?" And I said "Well! I guess I'll eat that bug for a whole jar of mayonnaise! Sure!!" So I ate the bug and the mayonnaise, and then I threw up. Boy, that's 'bout the easiest jar of mayonnaise I ever earned. The end.






[10/2/2002 12:50:35 PM | Jason Hunter]
Duct Tape

Duct tape is good for everything. I am going to make my Halloween costume completely out of duct tape this year. I may start making all of my clothes out of it from now on. Not that I make any of my clothes now out of duct tape, or anything else for that matter. There is a cool website dedicated to all things duct tape: www.octanecreative.com/ducttape/fashion/
I think everyone will be wearing it in the future. Think of it... your clothes would be waterproof. Your regular shirt could also be your rain jacket. They are stain proof. You can spill wine down the front of your new duct tape evening gown, and it rolls right off. It is futuristic-looking. It is easily repairable. Just carry a roll of duct tape with you. You should be doing that anyway. MacGuyver highly recommends duct tape for battling evil. I saw one time where he fashioned a clutch out of a pine cone and duct tape. He was able to drive his makeshift (get it? MAKE SHIFT... clutch? ha ha) car down a street to get to safety. What a guy! Anyway, maybe you have also tuned in to PBS and seen the Red Green Show. It is a (very) low-budget show out of Canada that is actually pretty funny. Well, they have a spot on there where they show you something else you can do with duct tape. The possibilities are endless. So, in closing, I believe that duct tape is the cure-all for society's problems. And that great men like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and MacGuyver have lived and died to show us how it can and should be used. Thank You.

[10/1/2002 10:27:49 AM | Jason Hunter]
Idaho

Idaho: land of majestic mountains, dark forests, crystal rivers and lakes, untouched wildlife, and lowly potatoes and sugarbeets. I don't know about you, but these are some of the images that come to mind when someone mentions Idaho. Well, I have been there twice this summer and I can tell you that 5 of the things on that list are not to be found. I don't know about the potatoes and sugarbeets, but I am guessing that I have been lied to about those too. I have been from Rexburg in the East, to Boise in the West, and I didn't see one single mountain. There were also no forests. I saw some rivers and lakes, but they were nothing to brag about. Saw some wildlife, but it consisted of elk and camels that some guy had on a ranch. There weren't even any antelope on the plains. I bet that they don't really grow potatoes up there. I bet they're imported from Japan just like everything else and then assembled in Idaho or something like that. I have traveled literally thousands of miles in Idaho and it is the same all around. One big fat lie.

I'm betting that I have been misinformed about other states as well. I bet that Tennessee isn't just populated with inbred country bumpkins. I bet there is more to New York than just New York City. What if Nebraska does have more in it than just corn fields? And Wisconsin does more than just cheese? No wonder people think that Utah is populated by only Mormons. They have been told that their whole lives, and there has been nothing to dispute that until now. I live in Utah, and I can tell you that it is not just Mormons that live here. They allow other people to settle as well. I have now been to Idaho enough times that I can dispute the commonly-thought ideas about that state as well.

What if this extends to other countries? What if there are some polite French people? What if the food in England isn't all boiled and tasteless? And what if there are some Mexicans that like living and working in Mexico? What if Canadians aren't really worthless after all? I need to quit paying attention to my past assumptions and see things for myself. Or, I need to at least talk to someone that has some first-hand experience. Is there anyone out there that can dispel the myths of these foreign places? Anyone that can give it to me straight? I can take the truth. If it turns out that everyone in Australia doesn't look and talk like Crocodile Dundee, or Steve Irwin, then I want to know. It will hurt for a bit, but I'll get over it. And I'll tell you about the truths that I have discovered.

By the way, Texas is hot, humid and flat as a board. The people are nice, but the bugs are not. British people were very friendly, and the food was great. And Idaho is one big lie.